Tag Archives: chicken


Hold up. Prepare yourself. Really. You’re about to get freaky with some chicken.

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I did.

At 1 am.

In my PJs.


And I’m not even ashamed. This is the juiciest, crunchiest, howdidibreathewithoutyou chicken ever. So when I pulled the bird out of the oven after three intoxicating hours of breathing the roasting aroma of garlic and cayenne, it was photo worthy for all of three minutes. Chickens without legs and wings are not pretty.

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The key is time and oil. Lots of both. I’ve read on several blogs that in order to make thebestchickenofyourlife, it takes three hours in the oven at a low temperature. A lot can happen in three hours. Like, paint could dry, I could blink over 32 thousand times, or I could die before ever tasting said best chicken. Needless to say, I’ve never tried it. Better. Shit. To. Do.


Lucky for both of us, Thursday at 10pm, I surveyed my apartment and realized I had about two hours of cleaning to do and one episode of House of Cards to watch.

Enter bird.


Let’s talk about roasting them for a minute. Normally, the routine is put lemon-thyme-pepper-something on them, throw them in a roasting dish, oil and bake for an hour at 425. After going through the motions, proceed to deconstruct the chicken and hide it in carb heavy dishes like quinoa and pasta so that you don’t have to taste the lemon-thyme-pepper-shit. gag.

First, don’t do any of that. Ever again. Also, throw away your thyme. Its over used. Replace it with cayenne and we can be friends.

[who am i kidding? you’re reading my blog? we can be friends]


I started with this rub and recipe and made some adjustments.


  • 3.5-4 lb chicken
  • 2 tsp sea salt
  • 2 tsp paprika
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1 1/2 tsp cayenne
  • 1 tsp cumin
  • 1 1/2 tsp black pepper
  • 4 garlic cloves, mashed (or broken up if you’r lazy)
  • 1 lemon, quartered
  • oil, don’t bother measuring, you’re going to lose track anyway


  1. Pre-heat oven to 300 F.
  2. Que up Netflix.
  3. Remove gross bits from inside chicken. Wash and thoroughly dry. Re-wash chicken if you knock over the soap dispenser on it. Re-dry.
  4. Combine all of the dry spices to make rub.
  5. Separate the chicken skin from the meat. Do this by sliding your hand between the skin and breast meat all the way to the top of the chicken on both sides, then on the back down the neck between the skin and back. Sounds gross, but so worth it.
  6. Take ~ 1 Tbsp oil…or just whatever…and rub between the skin and meat all over chicken. Yeah, that just happened. You’re welcome.
  7. Take 1/3 [ish] of the rub and rub it where you just put the oil, between the skin and meat. Thank me in three hours.
  8. Now repeat 6-7 on the outside of the chicken using the remaining rub.
  9. Stuff chicken with mashed garlic and lemon.
  10. Tie legs together if you’re taking pictures. No one wants an unlady-like bird.
  11. Roast for 2.5-3 hours, basting with juices every hour. Mine took 2.5 hours and was 3.5 lbs.
  12. Rest 10 mins.
  13. Get freaky.